So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
