ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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