At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
