Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
