I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
