my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
