I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
