He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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