it was like eating out sand paper
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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