Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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