So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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