My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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