i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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