The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
