Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
