I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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