I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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