I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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