I love black thongs
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
