oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize