i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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