No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
