just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
