My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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