just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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