There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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