Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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