Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
