I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
