He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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