The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
