i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
