dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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