Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
