Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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