I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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