my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I cannot find my penis.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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