I just cut my nipple shaving
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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