So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
