there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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