Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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