I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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