Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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