we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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