its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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