You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
