I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
