I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
