I am midnight drunk by noon
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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