Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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