Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
