if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
