end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
