The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
