i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize