my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
